I’ll be honest, right now this blog is just going to be an extension of my thoughts. A place for me to dump the things I am feeling and thinking – kind of like a public diary / journal of recovery.

Insomnia – the bane of my existence. I can’t sleep through the night to save my life. I used to be able to sleep when I was being abused – a black, short, & dreamless sleep that felt like all I had done was blink.

It’s been about a year and a half and I still cannot sleep through the night. Sometimes it’s nightmares, sometimes it’s this sudden urge of “did I lock the doors, could someone break it, am I safe”, sometimes it’s restlessness and the sheer volume of my thoughts, and no matter what I wake up between 4-8 times a night.

I have tried setting a goal bedtime – lay down to sleep before midnight, when I stick to that it seems to help. I just moved a little over a week ago – into my own space – hooray! – but the move has not done me any favors in the area of sleep. I’m still settling into a routine.

All of the things I’m adding into my recovery journey are supposed to help with sleep… Ketamine treatments, breath work, mushroom coffee… (I’ll make posts about these individually and link them later). So far I haven’t seen the results promised on the sleep side.

Personal drama – I had to go no contact with someone who at one point meant a lot to me. That has been heavy on my mind. It hurts because I KNOW this person has a good heart and they did a lot for me in the early stages of my recovery – but the reality is, they are unstable.

Something I have learned: a person has to change for themselves. If someone is unwilling and unable to face their own demons – you cannot face them for them. If you are like me, always wanting to find the gold in people, you have to face the reality that some people won’t dig out their own gold.

Also little life lesson, if when someone drinks they are mean to you – set a boundary. “I do not want to be around you when you drink.” or “You are not allowed to speak to me like that.” If they cannot respect that boundary – they aren’t your friend. A real friend will respect a boundary that you set.

Anywhoooo that’s enough for my public diary for today!

Side note, it’s the trauma lol but the reason I’m doing this is partly loneliness – I have a hard time making friends and opening up to people IRL BUT I was raised on and by the internet so I feel safe here (which I know I shouldn’t). It’s partly that during the near decade of my abuse I was forced to be silent about what I was going through. And thirdly, it’s because I hope that someone who is struggling with something I am or have struggled with reads this and knows they are not alone.

I hope you have a beautiful day and that you make yourself proud today ❤