Hello y’all!

I went to the gym, took the girls to the dog park, and picked up a sandwich on my way home! This is all actually a huge win for me, lemme explain…

One of my MANY trauma responses is that I am mildly agoraphobic – afraid of leaving my house. I noticed it right after I escaped my abuser. For nearly 8 months I did not leave the house unless I was with someone else. Eventually I forced myself to go to therapy in person – that was the first step of me taking on the real world. Then the gym. Then I got a job – something that required me to show up for someone else – because I’ve always been good at that!

So right meow we are sitting at 21 months of FREEDOM after 9 years of being in a cage. Needless to say, everything has been a struggle.

January of 2023 I filled for a restraining order and I had no money, no friends, and no family connections who would bother to show up for me. For at least the first year I was still terrified of being out in public (and terrified of my abuser coming after me) – I had this overwhelming fear (thanks to my abuser) that I would be kidnapped, that someone was watching me, and this constant fear that I was in danger.

Approaching year 2 I have worked my ass off to get to the point I am at. To feel capable enough to leave the house, go to the gym, take the dogs to the park, interact with strangers – and feel safe in my own skin while doing all of these things. Don’t get me wrong lol I still cancel on plans, I can’t go to a bar alone, and some times it takes me a week to commit to plans with someone just to make sure I will feel okay to go. I know that this is only a part of the trauma. I know that with time and facing it when I feel strong – I will overcome it.

Little tip if you struggle with this at all: On days you feel strong, do the thing. On days you don’t, give yourself grace. It is an uphill battle and sometimes we need to rest along the way – and that’s OKAY. *hugs*

I think there are a lot of people out there who struggle with all sorts of things that they don’t share with others. We have trained our society to suffer in silence, which I think is why suicide rates are so high, why self harm through substance abuse and alcohol abuse is so high, and why so many people are in pain. We live in a ‘I’m good thanks” & a fake smile society.

I am not fine LMFAO I am working every day to be the human I want to be, and some days I am better than others. Some days I feel like I can take on the world – others, I feel like all I want to do is curl up in a hole. But I think more of us feel like that than we are willing to admit.

And I do realize that maybe only 1 person will read this, but I do thank you for taking the time to share in this journey with me ❤ ❤ ❤

Now I’m going to give my dogs a bath because Coco spilled coffee all over Cookie on our way to the dog park today lol.

I hope you make yourself proud today ❤