So let’s do this one last time (I have made this post probably 50 times over the last few weeks, just trying to find the right words. Loool)

Feelings. I have way too fucking many lmfaooo

I have a lot of emotions, and like the ocean tide, they ebb and flow. 

A couple of months after I escaped my abuser I asked my mom and childhood friends who I was before – desperately trying to even remember my childhood – and my Mom told me, “You’ve always been an intense human, even as a baby,” lmfao thanks Mom. 

I would still describe myself as intense. I do everything with intensity. I would rather jump into the deep end of the pool and teach myself to swim then play in the shallow end, easy and comfortable. 

I’m gonna call myself out so fucking hard today lmfaoooo. I’m gonna talk about the things that have been on my chaos brain lately. I’ve been very triggered this last month and had to face a lot of my own toxic patterns and behaviors so let’s talk about them.

My mind is loud, I overthink literally ALL social interactions – replay them in my head and ask myself, was I too “this”, not enough “that”, how did I come off to them? I overthink my actions, my reactions, my patterns – constantly trying to measure myself against the world around me – am I enough now? 

HAHA Oof that hurt to write – I laugh at my trauma – it’s a coping mechanism that downplays the severity of the pain I feel loool

Dating – 

I fall faaaast. I dump my entire being into people. Like fucking immediately. And my ADHD makes me obsess over them. It’s not healthy lmfaooooo 

My attachment style is anxious avoidant, I have fears of being alone, abandonment, and being abused again. My mom and I joked I need a scroll. 

When someone is like, “So what’s your damage?” 

And I unroll the scroll like, “Okay so we got ADHD, CPTSD, maybe some autism, trust issues, stereotypical daddy issues, anxious avoidant, fears of ..” Lmfaoooo

So if I have a romantic interest in someone it is complete chaos for me. I don’t know what to say, how to act, and I am battling through most of my life being a people pleaser and fawning (it’s the fight or flight response where you just say, “Yes, whatever you want” to survive). I don’t know how to communicate my needs and when I try, I am so terrified of being rejected that I push them away before they have a chance to hurt me. 

Bro, I am so fucking broken lmfao. 

I am terrified that I won’t be “enough” or that my trauma, damage, and chaos will be “too much”.

I truly wish I could be cold, have a hoe phase, just fucking unleash hell – common, I’m hot, it would be fun. But I am not emotionally capable of that, I have to matter, I have to feel safe. I am truly a one person – and they are my everything – kind of person. I’ve been a hopeless romantic my whole life.

Side tangent – I fucking blame Disney lmfao Like in what reality has humanity ever been 1 for life? In the 1700’s people had 5/6 spouses because people died. Fast and often. Could you even imagine the dating scene then?! Looool

So I haven’t made a blog in a while because I’ve been preoccupied with my love life, which is a fucking dumpster fire because I am not emotionally stable. 

PSA: I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY STABLE

UGHHHH I hate being single. Right now is the longest I have been single since I started dating in middle school. I am a serial monogamist. My whole life I jumped into relationships too fast – uhauled and all – just so that I didn’t have to feel alone and for survival. First person who showed interest – done, cuffed. And in between relationships I always had side flings. I was always with someone. 

I know that I have struggled with self love and valuing myself my whole life. My whole life I have traded my body to bandaid the void in my love language – physical touch. I grew up with so much instability that no one really held me as a child. So as soon as I hit puberty and people gave a shit about my body I traded it for a fraction of what I needed – to be held. Then for almost a decade my body was one of the ways I was abused. 

So now, even though I crave physical touch and connection, it triggers me. When someone – literally almost anyone – touches me, my internal alarm system goes off. I hate it. I have to actively fight against my triggers just to hug a friend. I do it, because I need it, but my mind and body are actively screaming at me “are you safe”. 

Example: I was at the gym and a gym buddy-ish touched my shoulder and I immediately dissociated (my mind left my body).

So side note – If you’re my friend and I have given you permission to hug me, please hug me more lmfao – also, I am shy, I won’t ask for a hug even if I need it.

When I moved into my new apartment I told myself I would be celibate for a year. No dating, no flings, no hook ups, no flirting. I lasted like 2 weeks and I was texting someone.  

Fuck man. In 2 months, I have downloaded dating apps 4x, and have had 2 almost situation ships lmfaooo

There’s a part of me that is doing it because I am lonely. There is another part of me that is doing it out of anger – this desire to not allow my trauma to keep me from living my life. And there’s another part of it that is using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism to not have to deal with my real life problems of fixing my life. Dopamine hit and a distraction.

I’m going back to my original goal of no dating, no flings, no hook ups, nothinggggg. Don’t flirt with me, I will block you. 

I am also actively making more and more plans with friends and going out of my house a lot more. 

It’s not just people tho. I re-signed up for classes, I work out 7 days a week, work 6 nights a week, I am still working on basic self care like feeding myself enough calories for how many my intense lifestyle burns, I don’t drink enough water, and I don’t get enough sleep. 

In August I spoke to maybe 1 person outside of my ex, only left the house for the gym and work, and I slept half of my day away. 

So I’m putting myself in hyper drive and it’s burning me out. The more I burn out the more I crave physical intimacy (to be held). Which starts the cycle of craving for affection again. It’s once a week. By Wednesday I am so fucking burnt out and I know I’ll be alone Thursday night so I desperately try to fill my day so that I am not alone. 

Holidays – 

Lately I have overextended myself and I know it. Every day I feel like I’m facing another damn trigger I didn’t know existed. But I keep pushing. I told my therapist that sometimes it feels like I’m actively seeking things that trigger me and I can’t stop myself. She said it’s because the pain is all I know. 

The holidays are hard for me, especially right now in my life. My literal whole family has a lot going on and I didn’t get an invite this year. So, I’m gonna do what I always do, work. And if I’m off one of the days I’ll sign up to volunteer. It hurts when it feels like so many areas of your life have been broken and you don’t even know how to start the repairs.

Also, the reality is I cannot afford a trip anywhere this season. Living on my own is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought but hey, let’s go into the deep end baby. I will stand on my own. 

The holidays are also hard because they are all trauma triggers. Every one is still tied to my abuse. So I prefer to work – avoidant – I prefer to work/workout/over-exert/over-socialize the fuck out of myself so that I can feel anything other than the emotional pain. Anything to keep the flash backs at bay. I learned how to trade emotional pain for physical pain in high school.

Sarah (my therapist) told me during my last session that peace, stability, and feeling safe will be hard because I’ve never known it. 

She also told me the only way I am going to heal is to sit with my feelings. So we’re sitting, Sarah. lol – btw, I talked to her about putting her website on my blog as a resource. So if you’re looking for an awesome therapist who specializes in trauma, here’s her website: 

https://lowtidetherapy.net/low-tide-therapy

Showing up – 

Let’s talk about my October. In a lot of ways I have had immense improvements in my ability to “show up”. Mushroom coffee, mushroom supplements, nootropic ADHD meds, gym, low dose ketamine, breath work and mediation, and therapy. My lovely little how-to-function cocktail. I feel like nobody wants to be rich anymore, we’re just trying to function at this point lmfaoooo

I told Sarah I’ve starting to have panic attacks again and she said she wasn’t surprised with all the anxiety from overloading myself (making new friends, signing up for classes, working 6 days a week, gym, living on my own, my dumpster fire love life, etc). Lol thanks Sarah.

I can show up really well in the world. I can function at work, function in social settings, function online, and it feels like I’m functioning on every cylinder – that I have nothing left to function alone. When I’m alone I fall apart. I spend hours every night just dumping my feelings into the notes on my phone. But I think I need to allow myself to fall apart. I need to accept that it’s okay to fall apart sometimes. I know I will pull myself back together again. 

Lesson for this month: Bandaids feel good. But they’re not what we actually need. Before we bandage a wound, we need to clean it out. 

What I need is to focus on myself and stop seeking attention when I’m feeling needy. I need to put my head down and focus on my goals and fix my damage. 

Side note – If you know me IRL and I mention I’m on another dating app or talking to someone, please fucking slap me lmfao. It is NOT healthy for me, it’s impulsive and creating more chaos in my life than I need. 

Anywayyyyy rant over. I am tired of scrolling through social media and seeing how everyone is doing fan-fucking-tastic. Fuck you man. Congrats tho lmao. I am raw because I think more of us feel the things I feel and no one is talking about it. I am raw because like you, I don’t want to stay here and I will do whatever it takes to heal the damage so that I can have my best life and offer the best life I can to those I love. Thank you to the now maybe 10 people who will take the time to read this ❤ Dumping my emotions onto a page helps me and I hope maybe it helps someone else recognize their own feelings and not feel so alone with them. ❤ ❤ ❤

Go do something that makes YOU proud of yourself today babe ❤ 🙂